The 3-Step Process to Become Who You Are

I’m the most boring person you’ll ever meet. My idea of a perfect Friday evening is ordering carry-out, vegging in front of the TV, and going to bed by 10pm.

Now you may think that sounds like adulting…so let me clarify. What I’m watching on TV is Cesar Milan’s: Better Human Better Dog. In case you haven't seen it, it’s about the psychology of training dogs. And as further proof of my boring status, I read books about neuroscience for pleasure. I’m a proud nerd!

That’s a glimpse into my personality and for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been this way. My personality is a homebody who loves to learn. In high school, I preferred to stay home and avoided large parties in favor of being with 1-2 friends.

My junior year of high school, my mom came home from parent teacher conferences and told me that my French teacher wanted me to raise my hand more in class. I was getting an A in the class, but apparently that wasn’t enough. Because my teacher knew I had the correct answers, I had to raise my hand rather than listen and absorb.

And that’s the thing about introvert is that we’re constantly asked to speak up; to add to the noise. And while we have deep thoughts to share, we don’t necessarily want the spotlight shining on us with a room full of people looking at us.

Your personality is what makes you You. And personality is more complex than being an introvert or extrovert. Each of us has qualities that we use as strengths. And we all have areas for improvement. It’s when we develop new habits and change the stories that we tell ourselves that we change our personality.

Because here’s the shocker – there’s no such thing as a personality “type.” I’ve taken so many personality assessments – I’m an Enneagram 1, my top character strength is honesty, my love language is acts of service, my element is metal, etc. There are so many little pieces to the personality puzzle. When you define yourself by stereotypes, you stay stuck. How you can you achieve your big dreams if you limit your potential?

Born This Way

So, are you born with innate characteristics? Or is it possible to mold your personality into exactly how you want it? The answer is BOTH.

About 35-50% of your personality is genetic. The rest of your personality is cultivated by experiences from parents, coaches, friends. So you may be born with certain characteristics, but personality lands on a continuum.

In fact there are 5 factors that contribute to your personality:

• How open you are to learning and experiencing new things
• How organized, motivated, and goal-directed you are
• How energized and connected you are around other people (introversion/extroversion)
• How friendly and optimistic you are toward other people
• How well you handle stress and other negative emotions

At any point you can move each factor along it's continuum. Do you ever feel like you’re getting more introverted? Or more extroverted? Becoming the so-called “extroverted-introvert?” It’s because you’re moving along the continuum. The dynamics of your life are shifting and you’re shifting with them.

Change is Hard

Change is hard and we often resist it. Most of us are wired to live in the past. You adopt limiting beliefs about money from your parents. You experience a teacher who told you you would never succeed. And you were too young to question these statements. The part of your brain responsible for logical, rational thought was literally not developed enough to disagree with the statements from influential adults. So you internalized those negative statements and they became part of your subconscious.

And soon, your personality has been cultivated by external experiences and events. Your environment has shaped who you are. Now there is a gap between who you are and who you’ve become.

So, when you want to change, it takes effort. It’s retraining your brain. Your conscious mind is currently reading, but your subconscious mind is living in the past.

Because it stands to reason that if you can wire your neurons to recall negative associations, you can also wire them to be positive. You can change your brain to no longer be a record of the past, and become a map to the future.

So how do you do that?  How do you shape your personality so you act with courage and confidence?

3-Step Process to Become Who You Are

I've developed a 3-step process to become who you're meant to be.

Step 1: Envision your future self

Who do you want to become?

Take a moment to close your eyes and envision who you are 3 years from now.

Do you see yourself as more confident and bouncing back from rejection easily? Are you more optimistic? Do you communicate better and foster deep connections? More empathetic? More organized?

Any of this is possible as you move along the continuum. And there are habits you can create to become the person you envision.

One of the primary factors that shape your personality is the behavior and habits that stem from setting goals.

So, your goal is to become your future self! 

Step 2: Set controllable goals

Now… goal setting based on your future self. 

I’m sure you’re familiar with the SMART method of goal setting. You know, the acronym that stands for Smart, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time-Bound. This method is usually the only way people learn to set goals. But I believe one critical factor is left out. So let me introduce you to the SMACT method of goal setting.

I’ve replaced the R with a C.  The C stands for Controllable.  When you set goals, make sure they are within your control.

This is why setting goals based on who you want to become are so motivating. They are within your control and inspire you strive to become your future self. Remember, it’s the actions you take towards achieving your goals that molds your personality.

Goals are about the results you want to achieve. But there is a system or process behind the goals that lead to results. And the system is where you find your habits. Habits determine your progress.

Step 3: Create habits based on your goals

Habits provide intrinsic motivation. Habits are a part of your identity. So, once you’ve stated your goal of who you want to become, you must create good habits.

To create a good habit, it has to be attractive and easy. So, let’s say your goal is to become an organized person. Ask yourself, what habits would an organized person do? Then, choose ONE and start putting it into action. For example – I will plan my week every Sunday at 9am while drinking my coffee on the deck.

And you do this every Sunday until it becomes a habit. Then you continue doing it because you have become an organized person. Goal achieved. Identity changed. Personality upgraded!

Summary

The first step to become who you are is not what or how, but WHO.  When your behaviors match your intentions, when your actions are equal to your thoughts, that’s when you create powerful lasting change.

Regardless of what your personality labels you as, know that it’s not set in stone. You can emerge and become the person you’re meant to be!

Personality isn’t permanent. Creating a new personality creates a new personal reality.