The Compassionate Way to Change Your Habits

We're all guilty of berating ourselves for not sticking to a plan. We loudly critique ourselves for not achieving a goal. The inner monologue goes something like, "You have no willpower! Why can't you just do the damn thing?! You slacked off and are unmotivated."

These horrible things that you say to yourself never provide motivation nor stimulus for improved action. They just make you miserable. So you vow to do better next time and pay lip service to giving yourself grace.

What's really important to make lasting change is to keep your self-talk positive. It's time to show the same compassion you show to your friends to YOURSELF.

Because it's the new year, you're likely focused on your goals. Yet, it's the actions and habits you take consistently that help you achieve your goals. The Kindness Method by Shahroo Izadi provides guidance on the compassionate way to change your habits. The book outlines "maps" that help you plan for situations where you may be tempted to self-sabotage or get off track. The maps are like short-hand journal entries.

The first map is called, "Ways I'm Happy To Be" and has you list your strengths and positive qualities. The suggested list of qualities is a quick way to realize that you have way more strengths than you give yourself credit for! Reviewing your own list of positive attributes is a handy way to quiet that negative inner monologue.

Additional maps include: what you're proud of; when you're in the zone; what hasn't worked; and what will test me. 

Personally, I think it's very valuable to identify your triggers. Knowing what will test you before you are tempted means you can create a plan to avoid lapses. I loved the idea of preparing a letter to yourself for when you're feeling vulnerable. If I had a brief note from my future, wiser self that I could pull out of my pocket to remind me of why I shouldn't give in to temptation, it would make staying on track easier!

There was also the idea that we sometimes let ourselves off the hook and call it being kind. There is a fine line between self care versus justification of unwanted behavior.

For example, dessert is always a temptation for me. Often I will say, I will not eat dessert after dinner tonight. Then, I will order a brownie. I justify the decision by saying I was being kind to myself because I deserved that brownie. But in actuality, I let myself off the hook and the habit continues.

The Kindness Method was a Becoming Book Club book. At just under 200 pages, it's a quick read. However, there are many "maps" to complete to truly do the work. We had a great discussion during the book club meeting. Here are a few book club questions for The Kindness Method:

1. Did you read Atomic Habits? If so, how do these two books compare?

2. Are you sober, sober curious, or enjoying alcohol?

3. One quote from the book is, "To really change our unwanted behaviors, we need to zoom out and focus on the entire life we want to live." How often do you take a 10,000ft view?

4. What are some of your "Ways I'm Happy To Be?" Did you find there were more than you would have given yourself credit for?

5. It resonated with me that we associate kindness with letting yourself off the hook. We justify it and call it "self-care" when sometimes it's simply an excuse. What ways do you "let yourself off the hook?"