Emotionally Unavailable: Sticks and Stones Never Comforted Me

When I was growing up and would tell my mom that someone had called me a name or had said something mean to me, my mom would always respond with "just say: sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." And while I understood the concept of not letting mean comments get to me, it didn't work in reality. It still hurt.

I didn't know it then, but what I was really seeking from my mom was empathy. An understanding from her that I felt bad. But instead, my feelings were brushed off...as usual. We just didn't do emotions in my family. While the 5 of us managed to eat dinner together every night, our conversations were never about how we felt. My parents were emotionally unavailable.

This explains why I've been so interested in learning about emotions lately - because I never experienced them. What I thought was an interest in personality has expanded into understanding emotional regulation and behavior.

The weird thing is that I don't remember my childhood before the age of 10. People are usually shocked when I tell them this (including my husband who remembers every teacher's name he's ever had.) I always attributed the lack of memories to moving to a different state right before I started 5th grade. The move was traumatic for me. But then I read How To Do The Work by Nicole LePera. She's a psychologist and stated that she doesn't remember much of her childhood either. She explains that emotionally unavailable parents can be a form of trauma.

Simply being a human means we experience emotions. Pretending they don't exist flies in the face of our true nature.

As a part of coping without being heard or understood while growing up, I internalized all my feelings. They were buried down never to see the light of day. My emotions as well as the memories associated with childhood were suppressed.

I didn't cry when I watched Titanic. In fact, I never cried for any reason. No wonder I turned out an ISTJ. We're the robots of the introvert world.

Isn't it interesting how we define trauma? There's physical trauma from abuse. Emotional trauma exists too. That's something I never would have considered until lately. We tend to brush things off if it's not physical abuse and then say "but I turned out ok." But did I? The challenge for me was to admit that I've clearly struggled with being vulnerable, letting people in, and relating to people. All due to ignoring my feelings...a lesson I learned early in childhood.

It's been quite hard and has taken a long time to speak about my emotions and show that side to people. (Silent treatment was my specialty.) Luckily, I have a very non-judgmental coach who I felt safe sharing my shame with. When you own your shame you start to gain your power back. Truly, the best empowerment tool out there is to be vulnerable.

Once you start to tear down the protective walls you've subconsciously built up, you become resilient. You forgive your inner child for not knowing. You rewire your beliefs that are no longer serving you. You learn how to manage your emotions. Resilience is in the know-how.

While I'm not an expert on emotions, I never gave up on me. I consumed information and did the soul-searching work to become better at managing emotions and stopping the emotionally unavailable generational trauma that I could have easily passed down to my daughter.

Here are the top lessons I've learned along my journey to becoming emotionally available, empathetic, and vulnerable:

1. Validating someone's feelings is so important for self-esteem. Even if you think they're sensitive or overreacting, it's the skill of empathy that must be used. I recommend reading Dare to Lead by Brene Brown for more information on this subject.

2. Trying to cheer up or fix someone's negative mood is actually minimizing their feelings. We all need time to experience and process a feeling before moving on to a more positive state.

3. Speaking about your feelings is scary. Doing so in a safe environment is key. The right coach or friend to confide in will allow you to express the feeling without judging or trying to help you see the bright side.

So keep chipping away at the layers and doing the healing work. There is beauty as you turn the page to a new chapter of your life. You'll become the vibrant being that was hidden all along.