Confessions of a Control Freak

Shortly after my daughter turned 4, she began to hate everything.  Nothing made her happy.  She yelled at me from the moment she got up to the moment she fell asleep.

I tried everything to change the situation, including threats and punishment, yet nothing I did helped.  And I had no idea why she was so mad.

She'd always been sensitive and easily frustrated if she didn't do things perfectly. Meltdowns were common. Whether she had the skills to accomplish a task or not didn't seem to matter....only that she didn't master it on the first try.  So I constantly told her to ask for help.

After about a month of her negative behavior, I was at my wits end.  We couldn't function like this.  So I decided to take my own advice and ask for help!

I reached out to a parenting specialist who promptly told me about the five basic human needs.  She asked me which one or two I thought my daughter wasn't getting enough of:  CONTROL.  She didn't have enough control in her short 4-year old life.

What I learned in the process is, I'm a control freak.  I was picking out my daughter's outfit each day, deciding (without asking her) what to eat for lunch, and basically controlling each hour of the day.  "No, it's 2:30.  You can't have a snack until 3."

No wonder she was so upset all the time!  She was fighting for a little bit of control and was simply too young to be able to articulate that.  And we were both miserable....until I asked for help.

Let the Freak Out

Asking for help can sometimes feel like you've lost control.  Like you don't have the ability to handle your shit.  And for a control freak, that's a hard pill to swallow.  It's like admitting defeat. 

Yet, you can actually ask for help.

It's not a sign of weakness.  You don't get a special award for doing all things by yourself.  You get headaches.  No one wins this fight.  Ultimately, you end up losing.

Control is a basic human need.  Kids need it.  Adults need it. 

Control is okay until it starts to become an over-protective mechanism.  When we start to worry about things that are out of control, it's all too easy to start over-controlling the little things in our lives.  And soon, control becomes rigidity.  And it leads to constant stress and unhappiness for us and everyone close to us.

As a solopreneur, I'm pretty autonomous.  I think I can do it all.  Without help.  But that makes me a hypocrite.  Because I still tell my daughter to ask for help all the time.

Once I called myself out and started seeking help, my life got a lot more enjoyable.

The coronavirus situation is beyond our control.  The surrounding uncertainty may leave you feeling like you need more control.  Be cautious of how much you're leaning on this need.  Notice if it's actually causing more stress that good.

Where in your life can you give up some over-control?  What has become too rigid?  Where can you relax a bit for the greater good?